They talk every day: they send each other photos of what they’re eating, good morning messages, and voice notes where they share even the smallest details. They see each other every weekend and, sometimes, even during the week, even if they say they’re “very busy.” They confess things they wouldn’t tell anyone else and hold hands like a real couple. But when someone asks them “what are you?”, silence invades them or even worse, ambiguous answers appear like “we’re just flowing”, “there’s no need to put a label on it” or “what we have is different.”
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However, there are also jealousy, complaints, anxiety when the other person takes time to respond, and even excitement when future plans arise. Because, although officially “they are nothing,” emotionally they occupy a much more important place than they are willing to admit.
And that’s how situationships work: ambiguous relationships where there is intimacy, routine, and attachment, but no clarity. Basically, they are relationships that feel like a courtship until it’s time to define them.
The generation of ambiguous relationships
The situationship was not born as just another internet label, but as a reflection of a different way of relating in the 21st century. Because we are not talking about a simple weekend encounter, but about a bond where there are couple dynamics —demonstrations of affection, physical and/or sexual intimacy, shared time, getting to know each other’s circle, and even future plans—but without clear agreements or explicit commitments of fidelity or stability.
“Unlike a casual relationship, where the bond is usually limited to physical or sexual intimacy, in a situationship the emotional component is very present. But, at the same time, it distances itself from a formal relationship because it avoids what traditionally sustains a couple: agreements, emotional responsibility, and emotional clarity, so the famous “what are we?” remains indefinitely suspended,” explained Alejandra Horna, psychologist and professor of the Psychology program at Antonio Ruiz de Montoya University (UARM) to Somos.
But why has an entire generation started to feel comfortable living in ambiguous relationships? For psychologist Stefanny de la Cruz, part of the answer lies in the contemporary culture of immediacy. Today we live in a logic where everything must be fast, stimulating, and free of discomfort. Under this idea, commitment begins to be perceived not as an emotional construction, but as a threat to personal freedom.
And it is that difficult conversations, disagreements, and the adjustments required by a stable relationship begin to be seen as avoidable emotional burdens. In this context, the situationship appears almost as a perfect solution: it allows experiencing emotional closeness without fully assuming the demands of commitment.
However, reducing this phenomenon to a simple lack of maturity would be incomplete. According to Aída Arakaki, psychotherapist at Clínica Internacional, we are facing a two-sided coin. On one hand, there is a freer generation, aware of their personal and professional goals, who have less tolerance for toxic relationships. But, on the other hand, a deep fear of vulnerability is observed. Because committing implies exposing oneself, giving up certain possibilities, and assuming responsibility.
“Some people prefer to stay in ambiguous relationships because they feel that this way they control the risk of suffering, although in reality this ambiguity also ends up generating a lot of pain,” warned the expert.
To this emotional cocktail is added the technological catalyst: dating apps. Screens have transformed the way we connect, thus feeding a constant comparison mindset that makes it difficult to deepen a real bond. Psychologist José Chávez, from Sanitas Consultorios Médicos, affirmed that these apps directly activate the bias of the “paradox of choice”: the more options, the harder it is to choose and the more dissatisfied we feel with the decision made.
That false sense that there will always be someone “better,” “more handsome,” or “more compatible” just a swipe away turns people into consumer products. In turn, this fosters reserved behaviors where the other person is kept close “just in case,” blocking the construction of any emotional security.
This mindset transforms the emotional landscape into what Brian Cahuata, psychologist and head of the University Welfare Area at the Catholic University San Pablo (UCSP), defined as an “emotional waiting room,” which is fueled by FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). And it is that the fear of closing doors to other opportunities leads people to inhabit gray areas where they receive affection, companionship, and intimacy, but avoid making a clear decision. In this way, FOMO reinforces the idea that commitment is synonymous with giving up better options.
“The result of this mechanism is a disconcerting psychological paradox: people who avoid labels, but who intimately expect exclusivity and treatment like a couple. Behind this resistance, past disappointments, upbringings in unstable environments, or fear of rejection are often hidden. And it is that one seeks to obtain all the emotional and physical benefits of a partner, but avoiding the demands of stability or projection. The idea is embraced that without a name it hurts less if it ends, ignoring that, at the end of the day, the brain still gets emotionally involved and the void of uncertainty ends up taking its toll,” Arakaki emphasized.
Why a situationship becomes so addictive
The ambiguity, expectation, and irregular emotional reward that settles into the bond are precisely what makes it so difficult to leave. As psychologist Alejandra Horna pointed out, these relationships often operate under an “intermittent reinforcement” scheme: affection, attention, or closeness appear unpredictably, like small rewards that never fully consolidate. And that uncertainty makes the person remain waiting for the next gesture of affection, the next intense conversation, or the possibility that, finally, the relationship “will become formal.”
“At an emotional and neurological level, this dynamic can become deeply addictive. When emotional reward arrives after a period of distance or doubt, the brain releases dopamine very intensely, further reinforcing the desire to remain in the bond. Therefore, many times, the more inconsistent the attention, the harder it is to let go of the relationship, since the alternation between closeness and indifference keeps the person in a constant state of emotional expectation.”
All that neurological intensity often camouflages a marked emotional imbalance. Dr. Susan Albers, a psychologist at Cleveland Clinic, warned that in many situationships one person seeks commitment while the other prefers to maintain ambiguity. However, the real problem begins when one accepts dynamics that generate sadness, anxiety, or insecurity just for fear of losing the other. Because when someone silences their needs or lives waiting for changes that never come, the relationship ceases to be balanced.
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In the end, that permanent waiting can end up becoming emotional dependence. The situation ceases to be healthy when it begins to affect self-esteem, emotional well-being, or mental stability: living dependent on the other, tolerating “emotional crumbs,” or feeling constant anguish for fear of losing the bond are clear warning signs. Over time, moreover, the impact runs deep. According to Cahuata, the lack of clarity and constancy can generate insecurity, frustration, and emotional exhaustion, even leading the person to doubt their own worth in love and normalize relationships where they do not receive the affection or stability they truly desire.
However, this wear and tear does not affect everyone equally, as it depends significantly on the emotional baggage each person brings to the relationship. In this sense, Antonella Galli, a psychologist at Clínica Ricardo Palma, mentioned that those with avoidant traits, emotional insecurity, or fear of commitment can get trapped more easily in these dynamics, either because they seek companionship without fully getting involved or because they use ambiguity as a way to protect themselves emotionally.
In many cases, remaining in a situationship ends up being the most common form of self-deception: holding onto the false hope that the other person will change allows postponing uncomfortable conversations, avoiding setting boundaries, and, above all, evading the painful reality that this bond will never respond to one’s own emotional needs.
The signs that it’s no longer ‘casual’
When a bond is maintained over time, it is inevitable that the boundaries blur. They begin to share routines, confidences, and a space in their agenda that no longer resembles a simple “hanging out.” However, in the universe of situationships, a bond no longer feeling casual does not always mean that it is moving towards stability; sometimes it just means that it is transforming into a chronic limbo.
According to Alejandra Horna, the key to stop guessing and understand where you stand lies in learning to read the contrast between signs of stagnation and those that truly promise evolution.
If you feel the relationship is a burden, but the decision never comes, you are probably encountering these warnings of a relationship that will not change:
- Every attempt to bring up the topic of “what are we?” is masterfully dodged. The conversation is postponed indefinitely under the premise that “they are getting to know each other,” a phrase that can be repeated for entire months without anything changing in practice.
- Contact becomes intermittent and follows a pattern of convenience. Messages and encounters almost always occur at specific times and are usually conditioned exclusively on physical or sexual intimacy.
- There is a deep disconnection between words of affection, promises, or future plans and real day-to-day actions. Dynamics are lived “half-heartedly” and the other’s needs or discomforts are often minimized under the pretext of “it’s nothing serious.”
- The person is completely excluded from the other’s real environment. There are no intentions of integrating them into their circle of friends or family, keeping the relationship in a bubble isolated from the rest of their life.
- You find yourself trapped in the constant need to decipher your place in their life, justifying the fact that they get involved with third parties because, technically, you never signed an exclusivity agreement.
“Healthy relationships are not built only with chemistry; they are built with clarity and emotional responsibility,” emphasized Aída Arakaki. Therefore, the true indicator that something casual is mutating towards something mature and formal is not the intensity of dates, but the presence of shared certainties. When an ambiguous relationship does have the potential to transform into something stable, the signs completely change direction:
- There is openness and maturity to sustain difficult conversations without fleeing. There is no fear of vulnerability or the dialogue that defines agreements.
- Interest ceases to be intermittent to become predictable and secure. There is a desire to share quality time that goes beyond sex and a genuine desire to open the doors to real life and social surroundings.
- Promises translate into actions. The bond does not feel stuck in an eternal loop, but rather shows organic growth towards the place both have decided to build.
What are we really looking for when we accept a situationship?
Accepting a relationship without labels —according to Horna— is rarely about a genuine phobia of commitment. Contrary to cliché, when we engage in these dynamics, what we are really pursuing is an emotional connection, validation, and, above all, the deep desire to be chosen, even if that means being chosen halfway.
However, the problem with accepting that kind of love is that, when it all ends, the impact is usually devastating. In fact, many people discover that overcoming a situationship is harder than healing from a formal relationship breakup. As Dr. Albers pointed out, this happens because one not only mourns the loss of a reality, but the grief of an expectation: the illusion of what you imagined the relationship would become.
“The lack of clear closure can prolong emotional grief, especially when the environment tends to invalidate suffering lightly. Phrases like “but you weren’t even anything,” act as an empathetic brake that fills the person with shame and misunderstanding. This can cause them to repress emotions or feel that they don’t have the “right” to grieve, even if the emotional impact has been very real.”
How to break the cycle of situationship?
To dismantle this limbo before it causes more havoc, the key lies in assertive communication. According to Albers, the “what are we?” conversation should be raised at the exact moment when ambiguity begins to transform into anxiety or confusion. To approach it with emotional intelligence, the secret is to speak from one’s own needs and never from complaint or accusation.
- What should be said: A healthy and direct approach would be: “I like what we are building and I need to understand how you see this relationship and what you are looking for.”
- What should be avoided: Indirect hints, threats, or assuming beforehand that the other person feels exactly the same without having put it on the table.
If the other’s answer confirms that the stagnation is definitive, the next step requires absolute pragmatism. For this, psychologist Aída Arakaki suggested starting with a brutally honest question: does this relationship give me peace or anxiety?
If the balance tips towards anguish, the only real way out is to establish a radical distance: physical, emotional, and, above all, digital. Most relapses in this loop occur due to self-sabotage by continuing to see their stories on social media, responding to casual messages, or leaving windows open “just in case.” Cutting the cord implies resuming personal projects, taking refuge in activities that bring the focus back to oneself, and, if the pattern of choosing these relationships repeats, seeking therapeutic space.
Therefore, for those seeking a healthy, mature love with projection, boundaries must be set from day one. It is important to have the courage to verbalize what one wants without beating around the bush, to learn to read actions more than promises, and, especially, to refuse to inhabit a space of constant confusion.
Accepting a situationship under the promise that the other person will change over time is a trap. When someone has a genuine desire to build something serious, they don’t make you guess your place in their life; they simply show it.
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